Category Archives: Emo

Posted on 26 June, 2011 in Emo

So I left earlier today on the 5:55PM Amtrak. I planned to take the Bart from Berkeley, but I changed my mind in the afternoon when you curled up on your roomie’s bed and slept like a log. What’s the point of staying an extra 2 hours doing nothing there when I can leave earlier and thus save my SJ friend 20 mins of driving? And so I told you, before you dozed off, that I’d take the Amtrak back, and you’ll pay for my ticket.

At the Amtrak station, I wanted to say so many things, but words couldn’t get out of my mouth. I put on my glasses so that other people, including you, won’t be able to tell who/what I was looking at. I wanted to tell you all these thoughts in my mind, but everything just seemed so… bullshit and unimportant. In the end, when the train stopped at the station and people were boarding, I turned around a gave you a hug. I said, after this time, I prolly won’t visit anymore. You said with the same expressionless face, is that true? I smiled and said, yes. And off I went.

If this were a few years back, I probably would have nagged at you. Why this, why that, oh I deserve more. But now, the anger in me is tiny compared to a tornado of unexplainable sadness. I’ve always known how things went. I don’t expect things to stay the same as ten years ago. But my stomach still get stirred up at the thought that we are now walking on very different tracks of different directions. It’s still fucking sad to realize that sometimes growing up isn’t really that fun. We have different dreams, different thoughts, different lifestyles, different needs, different desires, different senses of fashion. What we share in common, what memories we had together become smaller and smaller compared to all those differences.

As I was sitting on the train, I remembered you texted me a long while back after bragging about how hot and attractive you are (and I still wtf at this) “If […], I would have snatched you, too!” I texted back “So why don’t you try to snatch me now?” And you answered “I don’t need 2 mothers”. WTF. I remember laughing my heart of that day, and I laughed again today. Then I texted you about the two things I wanted to say last night but fell asleep before I could tell you. And I thought, wtf, why should I give a F, you already think of me as a mommy, I’ll show you my mommy status.

But really, I think you’re the only guy that I can feel completely safe to share the same bed with (and no I didn’t squish you in a corner!!!!) I understand that changes and self-discoveries are parts of growing up. I wish you all the best on your journey to understand yourself, your need, what you’re yearning for. I think right now, I’m really like a mommy seeing her baby boy grow up WTF. It’s sad to not come back, but I think it’s for the best after all. Maybe I’ll see you in SJ, or in SoCal, or maybe even in the East Coast. Until we see each other again, please take good care of yourself & FOR GOD’S SAKE CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM!!!

By the way, thank you soooooo much for cleaning up that @$#%@%#$%@$@$@#%@#%#@$@%@#$ sink. And thanks for taking me to the bar – that drinking was much needed, whew.

P/S: Just realized we have no decent pics together this time :(.

And fuck PMS.

Ear food.

Posted on 29 September, 2010 in Emo, Jabbers, Links

I opened my eyes in the middle of the night. It was pitch black and the glowing stars on the ceiling emitted a dull, greenish dim of light. One, two, three, four… I lost count after the 10th one or so. I closed my eyes, and there it was in my mind, that beautiful rose. My god, that shade of velvety, flaming, deep red, so glorious I thought it could burn me to ashes. It jumped out of my mind and was just…. there, on my chest, the thorns poked me through my tank top yet I couldn’t feel any thing. No, this is so silly, just a game of the minds, my dear. Then I forced myself back to sleep. Hello goodbye.